How To Shave With Babies


Let’s just acknowledge off the top that beards are back (and have been for several years). They’re pretty much socially acceptable everywhere. They’re acceptable in most professional settings (sorry, New York Yankees). And in some circles, they’re even a social status symbol allowing you to gain entry to exclusive societies and grooming parties. They can also make you a sworn enemy of the Dollar Shave Club.

Over my years of personal field research, I’ve discovered there are two types of beards. Deliberate or circumstantial. Continue reading

How I Won The Powerball


Kafka:(Types.) “Act one, scene one. Elsinore Castle, Denmark…”

Milton:(Types.) “Hemorrhoid.”

Words, Words, Words by David Ives

Four. Eight. Nineteen. Twenty-Seven. Thirty-Four. And Ten.

It’s a known fact that if you put three monkeys in a room with typewriters, over time they will produce Hamlet. True, you would probably need to give them some financial resources to hire a director, a crew, audition a cast, find sponsors, apply for grants, and video a flashmob that goes viral which will undoubtedly generate untold dollars in free publicity. But sure, three monkeys could totally produce Hamlet. Continue reading

Between Two Pillows

081f20ec429c88c1769991911fd8bf5fThere’s a great scene in When Harry Met Sally – well, there are lots of great scenes, but I’m probably not talking about the one you’re thinking of. I’m talking about the Pictionary scene, where Sally (Meg Ryan) is trying to draw a representation of the saying “baby talk”. Jess (Bruno Kirby) shouts out, among other inanities, “Baby Fish Mouth”. At the end, Jess can’t believe that “baby talk” is an actual saying, so Harry (Billy Crystal) says to him, “…oh but Baby Fish Mouth is sweeping the nation?” (Here, go watch it. Just promise to come back, okay?) Continue reading